Days 3 & 4

Day 3
Today I had the day off of work and I spent my time cleaning and of course, reflecting. At one point in my day, I had just thought so much about everything that I needed to explode and emote it all out on someone. Guess who the lucky recipient was? Carlos. Although we were "on a break" I just couldn't contain what was happening inside and he graciously listened, apologized again and reminded me that he never intended or ever wanted to hurt me.

Day 4
I had a stronger sense of God's peace this day, but I was STILL not sure where I stood with things. Obviously, this meant more to me than I ever thought it would but my head kept telling me that Carlos couldn't possibly be what I've waited for. This isn't how I would have imagined it, yet my heart was growing softer by the minute and I actually longed for Carlos' companionship again.

I left work this evening and prayed on my drive home. I said "You know what God? The man who really is for me is still going to fight for me and not stop doing nice things for me even in conflict! Especially if he caused it! I have prayed for years for a man who is consistent with me and doesn't sulk in the midst of conflict. I want a man that serves me and knows that's my love language. I just know that the man for me is going to take care of my heart even when I'm unlovely."

I came home to my trash cans being brought back to the side of the house (I had put them out by the road for garbage pickup). While pulling up and seeing this, my attitude was still like "oh that's SO noble, you pull off the road and sling the cans by the side of the house. How sacrificial!"

I went in the house and my mail was brought in and the cat boxes were clean. Again, I wasn't that impressed. I was more glad that I didn't have to do that stuff now. I was choosing this hardness because inside I had peace. I guess I thought my attitude was somehow going to punish Carlos, but really it was only poisoning me. I always thought and still believed up to this point that Carlos was a good man, but I wanted to resist it.

I had talked to my longtime friend Molly earlier in the day and she has always offered me great advice and Godly counsel. I had shared with her all the goings-on and she reminded me that no matter who we choose, they are a sinner and will make mistakes. She pointed out that my ex-boyfriend had never let me emote and release what hurt me like Carlos has. She also asked me a very pointed question which convicted me of the same thing that I was mad at Carlos for. Basically, I had to confess that I am guilty of the same wrong doing as he was and I expected to be excused. My problem was that it felt so much more personal now that it had been done to me! Molly so wisely said that I couldn't expect something from someone that I wasn't myself willing to make my standard.

Ouch.....