The Final Stretch....

Saturday:

These last couple of days, my heart was breaking for Carlos. My head kept telling me "no" but my heart was so much softer, but I had trained myself to retain all my hurts and thus kept trying to convince myself that he is not it for me. Meanwhile, telling God to change my heart if He had other plans.

Saturday rolls around and I asked my friend Pauline if we could drive by Carlos' house so I could see if he was home. He had mentioned going home to visit family and I wondered if he had actually gone. I was also half convinced that this week apart and time for him to "seek the Lord with all he has" would amount to nothing and I could potentially find Carlos just taking it easy.

Pauline and I drive by and I didn't see him or his car until we were almost past the house and that's when I saw him...on the roof, cleaning the gutters. This is my rental house that he lives in and he knows I need to sell it and he was working on it. I didn't ask him to and this was HIS weekend, his Saturday and it was cold outside. At this precise moment, the CD my friend really wanted me to listen to was playing a song that said "raindrops falling on the rooftop, makes me feel so lonely...." I broke.

Pauline asked me what was wrong and I told her that I had seen Carlos working on the roof and than pointed out what the song was singing about. She said that it was so beautiful and that she wanted to cry.

I took off my sunglasses so she could see that I was doing just that.

Sunday:

Pauline left to go back home and I was lonely and bored so I drove around. Naturally, I drove past my other house. I couldn't see him, but his car was there and I saw the main lights on. I figured he was inside doing something in the living room or kitchen. So I circled the block to head back home. That's when I saw him in the backyard cleaning leaves and picking up fruit that had fallen from the trees! He was still serving me. Even though he didn't know I could see what he was doing at my rental house and even though he had no clue what response I would have for him after this week, he was serving me. Just as I had asked the Lord for.

Carlos called me tonight and asked if we could talk. I felt ready to talk in my heart, but I think my mind was still trying to be hard towards him. He came over and told me that what he heard from the Lord was that he needed to talk to my Dad. He knows that my policy is - if you want to get to me, you have to get through Papa first! I don't know what happened with me, but he said something that made me upset and rekindled my hurt. Had I not already been so raw and vulnerable, this wouldn't have bothered me like it did, but when I'm hurt and frustrated, it comes out as anger. I just can't understand how to sort what I'm feeling so I get really mad. I proceeded to explode and say every mean thing I could possibly think of. My heart was hurting still and it really was hurting for both of us. I heard myself and couldn't believe how horrible I was being. Carlos took it and continued to be patient with me (he always has been) and tried to keep talking to me. My tirade went on until 3 in the morning and I wasn't really sure what we had concluded or really, everything I had yelled about. All I knew is I had depths of pain that surfaced this night and I emoted on someone who would love me unconditionally and bear that burden with me.

Monday:

This morning I woke up with concern for Carlos. I texted him to make sure he made it to work ok and he didn't. He was home. We texted for a little bit and I was still determined to have my attitude, but I felt myself change. Carlos said that he wanted to stay in the Word so the Lord could help him from hurting me anymore. He said he didn't like to see me like that and now he understood the magnitude of my hurts. He also said that I didn't understand the magnitude that he cares for me. He said he wanted me to be free as I used to be and see that my heart was healed.

I remember sitting at my desk, looking at my phone and I said "Lord, if he is for me, I am going to push him away one more time, and if this is who you have, he won't let that happen." So I told Carlos that for me to be free, he needed to leave me alone. I immediately got a text back from him that said "No, I won't. I don't feel like taking me out of the picture will help anything and I feel like the Lord has pressed on my heart to serve you as unto Him."

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jody from work came in right after this and I told her the latest happenings and we were both crying. From that moment on, something inside of me broke and I was free. I texted Carlos and asked him if he meant it when he said he would never leave and if that was even if I was emotional and explosive. He promised me he wouldn't and I believed him. He said that no matter how long it took or how hard things got, he would be here for me to get free.

I talked to my Mom this evening and spent a couple hours telling her the whole story of how God chiseled at my heart slowly, but surely and what an amazing thing he did for Carlos and I. She would normally give me lots of advice and input, but she only asked if I loved him. I told her that it wouldn't have hurt so much if I didn't. Her final statement was "I guess all I have to know now is when are you getting married?" She said that my Dad would probably be cool with it and she would be having lots of grand babies soon!

Tuesday:

We became official. I told Carlos all about my week and he told me his. He cried when he realized that God told him to serve me and he didn't understand why, but he obeyed. He felt the Lord tell him specifically "Serve Manesseh and don't complain."
And because of Carlos' obedience, it changed me and he proved himself. I told Carlos that I realized a lot about myself and what I really needed. I had prayed wrong all these years for this certain kind of guy. But God knew my heart and what I really needed. I had surrendered to God's will and told the Lord that I wanted to get married at 33 and that I wanted to scratch everything I had prayed for up to this point and just wanted His will. I also told Carlos that he made me feel at home and safe with him. I could say anything (and believe me, I have!) to him and he's going to love me through it. My anger was years of pain coming to the surface and needing restored. I have needed someone to prove that love CAN be different and can be long-suffering and self-less. Carlos brought that out of me in more ways than one. He allowed me to emote fully and made it safe for me to do so.

Wednesday:

We started our first bible study together and started in 1 Corinthians 13........The Love Chapter