Thus the week apart begins.......Days 1 & 2

Day 1
Pretty uneventful. I had told Carlos to just leave me alone, yet I still had hoped that he would try, at least, to make contact with me. Naturally, I wouldn't answer the phone, but the point is, that I wanted a man that would show me I was worth fighting for. Nonetheless, I had been praying that the Lord would really show me who Carlos was in HIS eyes and that He would give me forgiveness and soften my heart to do HIS will and not my own. I told the Lord that "I surrender" to His will, like never before. I told Him I wanted what HE had for me and I would accept His gift in the packaging that He chooses. I promised to stop making MY will priority and being unwilling to have something if it doesn't come like I think it should. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure I'm done with Carlos and that God may have someone else for me.

Day 2
Carlos called me at lunchtime despite our "break" and I was still reeling from the hurt I had felt. I had written him a long letter this morning unleashing how I felt to which he wanted to respond. In my heart though, I missed who I believed Carlos really was, but my emotions were really taking over and confusing me. I was at work when I started to pray for him and that's when my phone rang! He asked me if I wanted to talk to him and if he could please talk to me about what happened. I told him sure and we agreed to talk the following night.

I had been listening to some online teachings from my Dad's Pastor (Steve Schell) and I felt compelled to listen to his series called "Stormy Times." This message talked about how we often let fearful speculation grip us and we than make decisions based on what we THINK is going to happen. We play things out in our minds that "If I say this, he'll do this...." etc...So true for me! He said that we have to do what David did before we make decisions based on fear! He said the least you will want to do is praise and worship, but that is what David did to get free from fear BEFORE he faced what was coming his way. So, I took great notes and continued to do some reading in my Bible in 1 Peter.

I was reading out of my Joyce Meyer's Bible and she adds some great commentary and explanation of scripture. She was talking about how they were looking for the king and kept by-passing all of the brothers until they came to David, who was the least likely to be "king material". She said that we often judge by outside appearances or actions, but that God looks at the heart and that we need to see people as God sees them. Reading this really broke me because I recognized that God doesn't see Carlos's faults against me any differently than he sees MY faults against Him. I offered to meet with Carlos tonight instead because I figured that he should catch me while God had prepared my heart and softened me. I still was undecided and completely uncertain as to what was next.

Carlos came over and we talked. I still chose to be cool toward him. My hurt wasn't gone and although the Lord spoke to me about seeing him as HE does, I felt I was doing all I could by allowing Carlos to even speak his piece to me. Carlos said that he wanted to seek the Lord with all he has about me. I felt like this time apart wouldn't produce a different outcome for us.

Boy was I wrong!